Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Ultimate Button

I turned the corner and my eyes beheld the most glorious button known to mankind. This button was ever so shiny, slightly indented and precisely the perfect shade of red with enough depth to deliver a delightful and satisfying push.

I found the ultimate button.

This little guy was just screaming to be pushed. How could I not? I am but one frail girl.

Yet this lone, unlabeled button could set off a multitude of destruction. It could trigger the alarm system or activate all the sprinklers in the building. It could alert the authorities, or worse the Gilbertron 2000.  Or perhaps it could simultaneously flush all the toilets at once--which in the words of Kelly Kapour, "would be AMAZING!"

Or maybe it could cause the women's room in which it was located to self-destruct...

Or maybe this button ejects the escape pod that contains 2 droids with information pertinent to the survival of the rebellion and the stolen plans for a weapon of mass destruction, a space battle station, if I may.

Or maybe it would just deploy a parachute or some kind of weather balloon...which may have another helpless little 8 year old boy hiding out, thinking that he only wanted to make a fort and before he knows it, he's sailing high above the earth at 15,000 ft...

Or maybe this button would lead to some nuclear reactor power plant, and because of some fluke, the glass dome that prevents it from being pushed accidentally shattered and Homer Simpson, who is entrusted to make sure that no one pushes it, called in sick for the day.

I knew I've seen a button like this before. In Wallace and Gromit: A Close Shave there is a button identical to this and it activates a machine that hurls Wallace's breakfast through the air. If I were to push this supreme button would a bowl full of porridge come flying through the air and beam me in the head? And would it malfunction as it did in the film? Would I not be able to deactivate the button once it is pressed?
I thought, "Alright Jana, let's get realistic here. If something terrible happens, they will dust the button for fingerprints and you'll be screwed. They'll know it was you."

As I stood there, confoundedly contemplating my fate, moving on to what it would be like in prison and if I could pull off wearing that obnoxious orange 24/7...someone walked by and pressed the darn thing. You know what it does?

The same thing this does.

Yep. It opens a door. The End.

What would you have wanted it to do?


  1. HA! Great shoutout to the Gilbertron 2000! What if that reset her switch board?! I haven't been on your blog for far too long so be prepared for more posts from me catching up! :)

  2. Yay! I feel a little heartless for that shout out...but also secretly wish that that button could reset her switch board. Or at least reprogram her to be nice.

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